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i'm a girl
i'm a rhino
i'm a big piece of pecan pie
i'm a sheet
i'm a ball
i'm feeling the wind in my hand
i am not here
or water
or water
or water
So I'm sick.  Like really sick.  Like doctors are unable to diagnose what's wrong.  Sure, they can identify the symptoms, and they've narrowed it down to a few things, but really, this is not OK by me.  It's been since +/- March 20th.  Today they did DNA testing.  Who does that?  In the meantime I suffer through miserable symptoms with no relief and get to teach middle schoolers!  Yippee!

I've commenced work on a large scale composition:  A mass for strings, organ, french horn, and small choir.  I have not done any composition since Potsdam sent me a letter saying my portfolio showed no work worthy of graduate study.  Judge not, lest thee be judged thyself.

I achieved an A from BU on my first grad course.  Oh yeah, I'm in grad school, BU College of Fine Arts, Masters in Music Education.  So that's good.  

Posting at work is for losers

Terrible day.  Couldn't focus on anything, lesson plans were a disaster.  Didn't want to be here today.

I feel upset because I'm the one that's trying to make this work.  Fighting against everything else, it shouldn't feel this hard or helpless.  Sometimes I wonder if it's worth the fight, if it's a hopeless battle I'm not destined to win.  I'll try and make this feel right, try and make things alright, but it doesn't ever work.  It can't work.

I have 3 new songs to record.  Envious of the Sea Captains, embarassed that I have wasted what little talent I have, I have started writing again.
I am dissolving, crumbled flecks under the mat.  I am here to be swept around,   stepped upon.  Fleeting, crushed and forgotten, I burn.

Broken System

I am a public school teacher in a rural district.  As such I can barely afford to pay my rent, utilities, student loans, and oh yes, food.  My government just signed a bill to give failing banking institutions Billions (near trillions) of dollars to keep them afloat so that the NEXT DAY the executives can go to an exclusive spa resort, to the tune of $440,000.  My taxes, which prevent me (a school teacher, doing something to IMPROVE the human existence), paid for this.  Your taxes paid for this.  Tell me again how voting for someone who voted to APPROVE this bill will help? 

I hope you are all very happy with you decisions.
a momentary weakness, feeling fleeting loneliness.  i was made for glue.  conversation bores me, simply doing fine, head down, file neatly to the left and right.  laying down amongst dust mites, i breathe in gasping shallow breath.  sing unto me a new song, i lay beside you.




crunch endless numbers





silos filed with bootstrap molasses is bliss.

Sep. 6th, 2008

Life is desperation.

"I was in love once. I think love is a bit of heaven. When I was in love, I thought about that girl so much I felt like I was going to die and it was beautiful, and she loved me, too, or at least she said she did, and we were not about ourselves, we were about each other, and that is what I mean when I say being in love is a bit of heaven. When I was in love I hardly thought of myself; I thought of her and how beautiful she looked and whether or not she was cold or how I could make her laugh. It was wonderful because I forgot my problems. I owned her problems instead, and her problems seemed romantic and beautiful. When I was in love there was somebody in the world who was more important than me, and that, given all that happened at the fall of man, is a miracle, like something God forgot to curse. " - Donald Miller

I've wanted two disparate things in life.  To be a musician, to have a family of my own.  One dream destroys the other.

I miss her.  A lot.  I'm not sure why it's so hard right now, what it is that is burning through me, I just miss her.  I'm stuck, spinning rocks.

I'm losing my desperation.
dilema:

as strongly as i felt in voting for Brian Moore (socialist) i know feel in voting for Cynthia Mckinney (green).  Having listened to the green party convention i'm honestly torn.  part of me hates that green is the new vogue, but the platform is socialist.

torn.

Aug. 26th, 2008

tomorrow is my first day of teaching. 

i'm reminded of when i was told i was unreliable and unstable.  maybe this hasn't changed, and it won't prove anything, but i think i'm growing up.

oh,
for fun i composed a score for film clip.  ha!  post if you want to hear it.

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